It is better to have loved and lost
by Dr. E. Mode
Summary: MerDer. Through the eyes of Derek. Picks up after the finale. Feedback please!
1. Part 1: The Beginning of the End

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I hope you enjoy.

**Grey's Anatomy**

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."

Part 1: The Beginning of the End 

There was a time when I dead. I was immune to the suffering and living of those around me. I was a walking corpse among a sea of living, breathing souls. For years I was nothing more than a player in some show, an extra in a cast of a thousand. And all the while I thought I was the lead … But she made me feel alive. She brought me out of my dark and dismal way of being. She brought me into the light and got my heart beating again. Her touch was as electric as a live wire. And she knew it because every time she walked by me she would flash her beautiful white teeth and bat her long lashes. She knew the effect she had on me. Everyone saw the change in me, especially my wife. It's hard to go back to sleep after being woken up from a dark nightmare. That's what my life was like, one long nightmare, until she came and shook me awake. But then in an instant, like someone took a Divine eraser and smudged her out of existence, she was gone. Her body was here but her soul was not and all that was left of her was an empty corpse and smatterings of blood along the highway. The woman I loved was gone and I did not know how to go on.

I went to therapy. I went to friends. I went to family. I even went to my own fucking wife, but nothing helped. Nothing until out of the blue the most unexpected person came to my side: Cristina Yang. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on a bench in the park watching the sunset when she sat down and simply said, "If you want to honor her, record her memory so that it will never fade. Record it in a way only you, Derek Shepherd could, through a first hand account of the life you two led. It doesn't matter if you're a writer or not because no one is really what they say they are. Even the most deranged person in an act of sheer adrenaline can become the Hulk and lift a car, so take your feelings, this surge of emotion and do some good. Write down what we as her friends could not do, remember her through the eyes of a lover. I know her, and this is what she would have wanted. She would have wanted you, Derek Shepherd, to remember her, Meredith Grey, through a written first-hand account." And then she left me to sit on that bench until the sun began to rise.

Thus I took a leave of absence and began writing her story, our story.

- - - - - 

For two years we chased each other around. We had a relationship and then my wife, Addison, returned after having an affair with my best friend. For some time I tried to ignore the fact that I was still in love with Meredith and pretended to be like every other happily married couple in America. But that didn't last long – especially when she began dating our dog, Doc's vet. Seeing him put his hands on her was like being stabbed over and over in the chest – actually that would've felt better than the pain I went through.

It finally came down to Denny Duquette dying and my boss's dying niece's prom. It came down to me and Finn. It came down to the three of us standing with Meredith in the middle. Well after one long fucking minute, she gave me one last look and walked away with the vet. I went into the bathroom and threw up. Addison thought I had food poisoning of some sort and I let her put me on an IV and let her think that she was actually helping me when really, she was just making the situation worse. I fooled her into believing I needed her and I felt like the biggest asshole. But then again wasn't I for sneaking off just twenty minutes prior so I could bang an incredibly hot intern?

I threw up one more time that night at the very thought of Meredith in Finn's bed. Addison made me stay in the hospital overnight just to be safe and said she would return at 8 the next morning. She told the head nurse to look after me while everyone else went home. I lay in bed and pondered all the things I did wrong to Meredith. And after I replayed all the possible things I did wrong to that perfect girl it all boiled down to two things: I stayed with my wife when I should have divorced her and I lived in a trailer. I loved that trailer …

Two seconds after images of me selling the trailer to some toothless hick there was a knock on my door.

- - - - -

I don't think I remember having hotter sex than I had that night. I mean you would think outside in the rain on the hood of a car would be good right? Nope, me and Meredith in the hospital while I was tactfully hooked up to an IV topped all experiences. It probably helped that she was still in that incredibly hot, black dress and her hair was all askew and eyes sort of puffy. She lay next to me incredibly naked with her head rested on my chest after three rounds of awesome sex.

"Meredith?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you leave?"

She sighed. I always loved her sighs.

"I had to explain to Finn why I was leaving and I had to tell him the truth," she sat up and stared at me. "I wasn't going to be responsible for causing more pain and anguish than necessary. I told him the truth about us and came clean. It's what responsible adults do … " Ouch. With that she got up, put on her clothes and walked out the door. I leaned back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. The next thing I knew Addison was walking through the door at 8am, just like she said.


	2. Part 2: Long Day

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I hope you enjoy

**Part 2: Long Day **

It was weird the next day. Luckily I was scheduled for surgery all day, which meant minimal contact with both the wife and the sexy intern. No, I lied, it was the shittiest day ever, I almost severed some poor guy's third cranial nerve because I was thinking of Meredith's boobs. It just wasn't a good day and the chief saw it. I blamed the throwing up bit on my lack of proficiency and he completely understood, wiped my name off the board (for mine and everyone else's sake) and told me to get a good night's rest.

"Hey," Addison tapped my shoulder.

"Hey," I forced a smile.

"I heard you had a rough day. Still feeling sick?" she put the back of her hand to my forehead. I knew it was an act.

"I think I'm just getting over whatever I had. I think it was just a little bug. You know, there were how many teenagers infecting the hospital last night?" I chuckled. It was hollow. "So I'm just gonna check on some patients, take it easy. Do you have any dinner plans?"

"No … Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Maybe," I pulled her closer to me. _Why am I playing this role? It sucks! I hate it! I hate lying!_ "I'll meet you here at 7 sharp. Don't be late."

"Okay," she kissed me and walked off.

I continued to fill out my chart until I heard a throat clear. I looked up suspiciously.

"Dr. Burke."

"Dr. Shepherd, how are you?"

"I'm okay, just feeling a little weak from last night."

"I have no doubt your activities were strenuous … " I looked up at him. "With all the vomiting and such … " he finished his sentence, but I knew what he was alluding to.

I looked around to make sure no one was within earshot. "Whatever it is you have to say Dr. Burke, please just say it and spare the bull shit."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Dr. Shepherd," he frowned, but a smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth. "I suggest you check out a patient in room 322 – "

"But I don't have – "

"You do now," he handed me a chart and walked off.

Thoroughly confused, I took the chart and walked up the stairs. I knocked on the door and entered. There she was sitting on a stool, eyes red and puffy (again), and trying to stop the river of mucous from flowing out her nose. She looked up and the hid her face again. I closed the door and walked over. She turned away.

I simply sat on the bed across from her and didn't say anything. It wasn't my turn to speak. When she was ready the conversation would begin. I looked down at my watch; about five minutes had passed and still no words, just sniffles and tears. Another five minutes.

"I love you Derek … " she said softly, and finally faced me. "I love you and you don't have the decency to look in my eyes."

"Meredith – "

"No, you listen."

Shit. She was right.

"I have given up everything for you. I would walk across the desert with no water for you and yet you can't seem to tell one person the truth. Everyone in this hospital knows the truth except her. Why can't you just tell her what she knows and feels deep inside? It's not like she hasn't been expecting this. She knew the moment Mark came back that you were still in love with me. It would probably make things a whole lot easier around here if you just came clean and said exactly what was on your mind. Not until she knows the truth will I speak or sleep with you again."

She composed herself really quickly. I sighed and looked into her eyes.

"I'll talk to you later, Meredith," I said softly and wandered back downstairs.

For the remaining five hours of my workday I walked around like some zombie. If I had run into Meredith that day I didn't realize because all I was focusing on was how I was going to break up with my wife over dinner. Fuck.


	3. Part 3: The Break Up

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I hope you enjoy.

A note: I'll be going away for a few days so there won't be updates for a little while. Sorry for the inconvenience. :o(

**Part 3: The Break Up **

I'm going to try to wax philosophical here and give an insight on life: It sucks. Seriously when you think you got it all figured out it comes and kicks you in the ass. I tried; I did, but obviously not hard enough. I tried to be a good husband but that didn't work and my wife cheated on me. Okay, mistake number one, I ran. But then I got myself together and found a beautiful new girl – maybe not in the most modest, kosher way, but still I found her. And things were awesome but you know that saying about your past always coming back to haunt you? Well it rang true for me. I tried to do the right thing again; I stayed with my wife. What more could life ask of me? Maybe give my left testicle. I don't know. I wish I did because anything would be better than the Hell I got myself trapped in now.

Take life with a grain of salt because its not gonna give two shits about you.

- - - - -

I was freshening up before my date with Addison when another unexpected encounter with a member of the peanut gallery occurred. Mr. George O'Malley walked into the restroom, washed his hands, dried them, paced for two seconds and then said very sternly, "You best be getting read to tell Addison that it's over or I will."

Needless to say I felt twenty times worse after the door slammed behind him. I splashed cold water on my face and took two deep breaths before presenting myself to my wife. She was still dressed in her work clothes (sans white coat) but looked very beautiful. The butterflies in my stomach were only comparable to the first time I performed a solo brain surgery.

"Hey, I thought you were going to stand me up," she smiled and kissed my cheek.

"Ready?" that's all I managed the say. That is beyond pathetic.

We ate at a nice little Italian place, shared some small talk – chatted about the latest surgeries and had our very own D&D session over dinner. Afterwards we took a walk under the bright moonlight. The further we walked, the further my opportunity to talk to her went. I couldn't bring myself to do it. But I think after years of kicking me when I was down, life gave me a chance – it actually took pity on me and gave me a little leg up.

Addison had seemed restless the entire night, but I was so caught up in my own misery to notice anything significant. I figured the day was hard and stuff was on her mind. Well the latter part was true; I just didn't know what kind of stuff. She sat me down, took both my hands, and with tears in her eyes she said:

"Derek, you know that I love you, right?"

"Of course," I replied softly.

"You know that I am always here for you right?"

"Yes, what's wrong?" I was confused.

"God, I thought this would be easier," she got up and began pacing.

I grabbed her hand and sat her back down. I brought her chin up with my index finger so her eyes met mine, just like the old days. For a minute we just stared into each other's eyes. So much had changed and we knew it. What we saw in the other's eyes reflected a long history of lies and deception.

"What's wrong Addison?"

"I'm moving Derek – "

"Moving?" I frowned.

"Moving … "

"To where?"

"New York – "

"What!" I jumped up, half in excitement and half in shock.

"It's not working between us and you know that," she said softly. "I'm moving back in with Mark – "

"You're joking right? With that asshole?"

To this day I still don't know why I freaked out like that because really life never dealt me a better hand of cards than those. I think I was pissed that she was the one breaking it off. I wanted to be the one to end what I had started. But she had called my bluff.

"Mark is not the asshole you think he is and I think it's for the best," tears were running down her face. "I thought about it and it's for the best. After my outburst the other day the gears in my head began turning and I called Mark and we talked for two hours or so and I think it's best I go back to New York and pretend this never happened. It's a blip in life that I think we should both smooth over. What do you say?"

I paced a few steps then sat back down. I wasn't going to convince her to stay because well that would have been dumb. It would have been like me winning a million dollars and then in a rush of excitement throwing it up in the air just so a big gust of wind could blow it all away. No, I wasn't that dumb. I let my head hang for a second and let the moment sink in. I looked into her eyes on more time and nodded.

"I think you may be right," I choked back tears. She was my wife and someone I cared about. If anything we had great conversations and I would miss her company. "So what happens now?"

"I spoke to the chief last night … I think it's best we do it as quietly as possible," she forced a smile, but I knew what was running through her head. What she meant to say is let's do this as quietly as possible so it doesn't look like I'm running from Meredith Grey. "C'mon, let's go home … " She pulled me to my feet and drove us home to the trailer.

That night I thought about selling the trailer again. I couldn't, it was like selling a member of the family on eBay. Then an image of my grandmother on eBay for $75 came to my head and I chuckled. I slept well that night.


	4. Part 4: Starting Over

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I hope you enjoy!

**Part 4: Starting Over **

Addison didn't go to work the next day. She spent her time making flight arrangements and schematics for the FedEx guys when they came to take all her clothes and shit. On the outside I was my usual self but inside I was bursting with confusion, excitement and relief. For the majority of the day Meredith and her gang steered clear of me. However at 2:30 on the nose Meredith confronted me head on.

"You, in the room now."

I was used to taking orders from her now.

"What did I do?"

"It's what you didn't do," she slammed the door shut. "What happened between you two last night? Why is Addison leaving? Did I cause her to shift her entire career again? Did – "

"Well, technically yes – "

"Shut up, I'm not done. And another thing, what is all this talk about her getting back with Mark – "

"There's talk of that?"

"I SAID I'M NOT DONE!"

"Sorry," I put my hands up.

She was breathing heavy.

"Forget it," she sat down, "I lost my momentum. So say what you were going to say."

I sat next to her on the bed.

"You asked if it was your fault she's leaving and technically yes … but she has her own reasons too. She's going back to New York and possibly living with Mark. If you really want to know she broke up with me before I even uttered one word about you."

"Really?" Meredith turned, shocked.

"I swear."

"Interesting … "

We sat on the bed for a few minutes in complete silence; each entwined in our respected thoughts. Then she cleared her throat and looked over at me again.

"So – so what happens now?"

"I dunno," I shrugged and looked down at her. She was so beautiful. "What do you want to do?"

"I want you to be honest. That's all I ever wanted! I just want the truth!"

"The truth? Okay, the truth," I thought about it for a moment and realized I had not fucking idea what she was talking about. "The truth about what?"

"Jesus!" she hit my head. "Do you love me or not? Are you committed to this relationship or not? Am I just a flavor of the week or am I the type of ice cream you want to taste the rest of your life - ?"

"The ice cream I want to – what?" I felt bad, but it was hard not to laugh at her hysteria. She was so hot when she freaked out at me.

"It was a bad analogy but you know what I mean! Do you or do you not love me?"

"Of course I do," I pulled her down so she sat on my lap. "I love you and want to be with you forever. If that's not honest enough, then maybe you should go find yourself another McDreamy." I smiled at her reaction.

"I have never loved anyone like I love you, Derek. Do you understand that?" she frowned and was completely serious.

"Of course I understand that. And I swear that I will try my hardest to make this work."

"You swear?"

"I swear," I smiled as the tension eased and she pressed her lips to mine.

"Can I ask a small favor of you then?" she leaned in closer so that I was practically holding her in my arms.

"What?"

Now I'm a guy and my mind's in the gutter 24/7 so I assumed she was going to ask for something along the lines of sex right there or sex in the near future. No. I was wrong again.

"Sell your trailer?"

As soon as she asked that I dropped her onto the floor and nearly passed out.


	5. Part 5: The New Beginning

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I hope you enjoy.

I apologize for not posting in a very, very long time. I got busy and sorta lost my muse, but it's back and I'll be posting more frequently than once a month ... maybe twice, just kidding of course.

**Part 5: The New Beginning **

"You – you want me to do what?" I stammered.

"How are you Meredith? I'm sorry I just _dropped_ you onto the cold floor," she said as she stood. "Yes, I want you to sell your trailer."

"But you love that trailer."

"Not the memories associated with it. Derek, listen, I want us to move forward, not be stuck in the past. I want to start over, fresh, new. Do you understand?" She clenched her fists and waved them at me. I loved those little, ineffectual fists. "Derek are you listening to me?"

"Yeah," I smiled and stood, leaving Meredith on the floor.

"Are you just going to leave me like this?"

"You're beautiful you know that right?" I walked over to the door.

"That didn't answer my question," she said in an aggravated tone, but I could tell that she liked the compliment.

"You're beautiful and you always will be. And you will always get what you want because you're beautiful."

She leaped from the floor and came within one inch of my face.

"Ah, good for you, you're up, I knew you could do it – "

"Derek – "

"I'll see you later Meredith," I smiled, kissed her long and hard, and then walked out the door.

- - - - -

I sat in the bar drinking a beer when she came in and sat down next to me. She ordered a beer and then didn't say anything for five minutes. I didn't want to be responsible for an outburst, nor was I up for public humiliation, so I just kept my mouth shut.

"Are you ever going to say something?" she snapped.

"Are you?"

"Would you just _stop it_?" she sighed.

"I'm not doing anything Meredith … "

"Yes. Yes, you are being cute with me."

I opened my mouth to say something but again, silence just seemed like the wisest choice.

"Derek, I want this to work. I want us to work and I want to stay together forever, but that can't happen unless you listen to me. I asked you to sell your trailer, not because I want to see you suffer or because I don't like it anymore. I just want to erase the smudges of our past. I want to begin again. Is that too much to ask for?"

I sighed and took a sip of beer. She had a point.

"Okay. I'll be right back."

"Derek, what? Where are you going?"

"I'll be right back," I smiled and kissed her forehead.

I walked outside and thought for a moment. I loved her so much and wanted nothing more than to be with her. She was right; a new beginning was exactly what we needed. Our past was so marred with lies and deception. We needed a clean slate. If she wanted to trailer gone, then it would have to go. For Meredith I would walk to the end of the earth. I smiled at that last thought and then walked back into the bar. She was still sitting, probably thinking I had left her. I put my hand on her shoulder and smiled.

"Excuse me, Miss is this seat taken?"

She looked confused, but just shook her head.

"Thanks. Oh, by the way, my name is Derek Shepherd. What's yours?"

"Meredith Grey," she smiled and shook my hand.

"You look like a doctor, are you?"

"I am. I'm a surgical intern at Seattle Grace."

I smiled.

"Imagine that … "


	6. Part 6: Who needs marriage?

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I hope you enjoy.

**Part 6: Who needs marriage?**

That night we lay in bed (at her house) and just stared at each other. It was perfect. I had my Meredith and it was guilt-free. The moonlight reflected in her beautiful eyes and it made me think of Shakespeare – nothing he wrote, just the guy. I couldn't quote anything he had written even if I were offered a million dollars … okay, I lied, I remember "Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo", but I decided it wasn't the best thing to say at this time so I just kept smiling and staring.

"How can you do that?" she chuckled.

"How can I do what?"

"How can you look at me as if you are seeing me for the first time?"

I paused.

"Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo?" I said with a smile.

"What?" she laughed.

"It's the only line from Shakespeare that I know," I replied still going on the stream of consciousness.

"Well I think you should have chosen something else to quote," she laughed and then wrapped her arms around me. "But I love it." She kissed my cheek and then rested her head on the pillow next to me. This was how it should be – always.

- - - - -

For months we went on like that, quoting Shakespeare, saying stupid stuff, acting like kids and just loving life. Meredith was my life, and I loved Meredith, thus I loved life. It was a simple example of the transitive property that I was enjoying every minute of.

I did sell my trailer, but to a cute elderly couple that didn't want to live in their luxurious townhouse any longer. They promised to keep it in good shape, send pictures often, and wished us the best of luck. As we left the trailer, Meredith holding my hand, I looked over my shoulder and saw the couple standing in the doorway holding hands. I felt like I was just thrust into that diamond commercial that so dramatically declared: "For your past, present and future, a diamond is forever."

The next day I was filling out a chart minding my own business when Burke came up to me distraught.

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Burke," I said congenially.

"I need your advice."

My handwriting was looking so good, you could read every other word, but when Burke said he needed my advice I fumbled and left a black pen mark through the chart. Sighing at my mistake I looked over at him and forced a smile.

"What can I do for you today Dr. Burke?"

"I want to ask Christina to marry me."

"Okay."

"Well, do you think it's a good idea?"

Um, what? I blinked and tried to hold in all the thoughts that were swimming and formulating in my mind. Did I think it was a good idea to go to bed with a psycho-anal-retentive-control freak? Did I think it was a good idea he devote his life to a woman who if given enough motive and inspiration would attempt to remove his right kidney to be credited with the most amazing surgery in the world? Did I think it was a good idea?

"Sure," I smiled. "Go for it."

Burke heaved a great sigh of relief. "Thanks man. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going totally nuts. I'll talk to you later."

- - - - -

As Meredith and I sat in her living room watching television and eating ice cream by the pint, I couldn't help but think of Burke and Christina. They were so … opposite, yet their anal retentiveness held them together. Well I always thought it was a good strong mix of their anal retentiveness and their stubbornness. We were watching Leno and they were doing some sort of gag on married couples – figured. Meredith seemed to enjoy it, but then again she was never married. And technically Addison and I were still married because the legal process was slower than a moving glacier. As the program went to a commercial I turned to her.

"I wonder why marriage is such an easy topic to pick on," I mused.

"Probably because so many people seem like they're miserable even though they're with the one they've committed their lives to," she rambled, not realizing the impact of her words. "I mean things are all fine and dandy until three months later when you realize that he has a nasty habit of leaving toothpaste in the sink or pees on the toilet seat. And then there are the women that have to make everything pink or lavender smelling."

"But it's really not that bad," I forced a smile.

Then it hit her. Her face fell and she looked at the tv as she devoured a spoonful of ice cream. She knew she had touched a sensitive issue.

"I mean you think you're making the right choice at the time, and it's so easy to plan the future and see how perfect everything's going to be," I sat up and turned towards her, but she was trying to dodge my words. "It's so easy to say that your careers aren't going to get in the way, and that in five years you'll have three kids, two boys, one girl, and that when they grow up they'll follow in your footsteps. It's easy to make fun of marriage because it's so marred with mistakes. That's really what marriage is, one big string of mistakes with a lot of good luck thrown in. You just have to make sure that you don't marry an unlucky person."

Meredith slowly turned her head to me.

"Marriage scares me," she said softly and set her ice cream down. She sat up and inched closer to me. "Marriage scares me because I've seen too many fall apart."

With that she got up and went to bed. She left me to sit on the couch until George walked through the door. He sat next to me and the two of us just stared at the tv.

"How long have you two been dating?" George asked out of the blue.

"Since Addison left, about six months. Why?"

"Nothing, just trying to figure out how many months I've been trying to get her out of my heart … " George muttered and then he ascended to his room.

That was one of the worst endings to the day I had ever had and to top it off, Jay's final line was "What did we learn today? Never get married!"

"Fuck you Jay," I muttered, shut off the tv and slept on the couch.


	7. Part 7: Babysitting William Bailey

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I hope you enjoy. I would also like everyone to note when I started this story, and to also take note how prophetic it was! Ahhh! I just watched the first few episodes, and I don't get to see the show (it's really bad) so I promise that I won't be swayed by what is going on currently.

**Part 7: Babysitting William Bailey**

The next day was awkward to say the least. Burke had proposed to Christina that night and to everyone's (even Burke's) great surprise, Christina said yes. All the interns were happy, but I could tell that the little event had caused Meredith some distress. She avoided me all day, taking random patients with Dr. Bailey, diving into the bathroom as soon as she saw me, or pretending to look at some patient's chart. I just let her do whatever the fuck she wanted. I had brought up the idea of marriage, not speaking specifically about us, but possibly alluding to the idea of venturing down that road, and she had jumped ship like passengers on the Titanic.

"Congratulations Dr. Burke," I said sincerely as I ran into him at the receptionist desk.

"Thank you Dr. Shepherd. You know," he sighed and leaned on his arm – oh God, a Burke philosophy moment, "I really wasn't sure if she'd say yes. She was so hesitant about moving in and opening up, but now I feel we're so close. I mean we're going to have to work a few of the kinks out but what couple doesn't have their issues right?" God the world hated me. "I think we're going to have a long engagement and then we'll see where things are after a year or so." He smiled. "So, how are you and Meredith doing?" Someone up there really hated me.

- - - - -

As the day waned the awkwardness seemed to fade into indifference and by the end of my shift indifference faded into apathy. I hadn't done anything wrong … for once … and I was standing by my word.

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Bailey," I said congenially enough as I signed off on labs.

"I need a favor of you."

"Me? Really? And what would that be?" I blinked in a fake flirtatious way.

"Baby sit my baby, William, tonight."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I can't find a baby sitter anywhere, the interns are still on duty except for O'Malley and I figured that's as safe as throwing the baby into traffic. Just watch him for a few hours. My husband and I are going to a late dinner with some of his co-workers and will be back around 11. I'll expect you at 8:00 sharp."

"But – "

"Good, I'll see you then."

It was at that moment, as a patient coded down the hall, for the first time I wished I were the guy under the paddles.

- - - - -

Dr. Bailey's kid was … cute … in a Dr. Bailey's son sort of way. I felt just slightly awkward holding the kid, giving him a bottle as Miranda left with her husband. But then again, my entire day had been awkward so what was the difference? He was a little fussy so the drinking of the bottle took a long time. I sat on the couch, holding the kid, watching tv, and wondering if I would be doing this some day with Meredith's child. It was a weird feeling.

As I laid the baby down to sleep I realized how fragile life was. I realized that we don't know how precious the time we're given is. I sat down in the rocker next to the crib and watched the stupid little mobile spin above his crib and play Braham's Lullaby (how the hell I knew what song was playing is beyond me). The kid stirred a little and then started crying. Ugh what the hell?

"Hey little guy," I rubbed his back. He just kept crying so I picked him up. "What's wrong?" He had had a few healthy burps, a little spit-up but nothing too exciting yet the tears were still coming. "C'mon William why you gotta be difficult now?" For fifteen minutes he cried and I panicked so I called the first person that popped into my mind: Meredith.

"What is that noise?" she asked in an exacerbated tone.

"It's Dr. Bailey's son, I'm watching him for a few hours."

Silence. She didn't say anything. She probably thought I was killing it via vigorous shakes.

"Meredith?"

"Sorry, what do you want?"

"He won't stop crying!"

Another ten minutes later and Meredith was walking briskly up the stairs. She looked hot: tight jeans, a t-shirt, her hair up in a ponytail. I could see she was about to get comfortable when I had called. Without a word she took the kid in her arms and began talking to him. With a look that could kill she shot me a deadly look.

"Did you change him?"

"What?"

"Did you change his diaper?"

Shit!

"I'll take it that you didn't," she shot and then set William down on the changing table. "Derek he pooped! How could you not smell it or tell that he had just gained a few pounds?"

"I'm not a dad, I've never been, how should I know?"

"It's called common sense genius!" she yelled as she began furiously changing the baby. "And what in the name of all things holy possessed you to call _me_? I mean _c'mon_ here, it's not like we're on best terms right now. I've been avoiding you all day; you've been avoiding me! You scared the shit out of me last night – "

"Don't swear around the baby," I said sincerely.

"Shut up!" she shoved the newly changed baby into my arms and threw out the diaper and marched into the bathroom to wash her hands. We followed. "Just because you have my number in your cell phone doesn't give you the right to call me whenever you're in a jam! I was ready to settle down and eat ice cream for your information! What gives you the right to call me?"

It was just another Meredith spaz-out.

"Well probably because you're my girlfriend and I depend on you," I smiled. "And because you're the only one that would come out and help me."

She was about to say something but stopped. She knew I was right. If I had called at 2am she would've been pissed but would've still driven out to help.

"So what does this mean?" she asked as we put William back down to sleep.

"It means that I depend on you," I continued to smile. "I don't think I could go on without you. Life would cease to exist and the earth would stop spinning. If I can't have you in my life then all the pain and anguish that we've gone through was for naught." I decided it was time to get serious, so I put on my best Dr. Derek Shepherd face and continued. "I love you Meredith. I love you so much that I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Now whether you feel the same way or not is another story, but I've said my side of the story, it's your turn to share."

She didn't answer, just stared at me. It wasn't one of those blank-deer-in-the-headlights stares; it was more let-me-absorb-what-you-just-said-before-I-hit-the-ceiling kind of stares. She did it so often with me, and it was so hot. Finally, after what seriously felt like a lifetime, she blinked and looked down at the baby. Rubbing his back, she went into the deep recesses of her mind that I'm sure no one has ever reached. She looked up at me with a soft smile, rubbing the baby's back still.

"I want you to be there for me, Derek. I want you to be by my side when I need you, and when I don't have the answers. I don't expect you to know everything either, but I do expect you to help me along the path. Where that path leads, I don't know, but I would like you to join me on my walk. And I know this sounds like a lot of bullshit jargon, but it's not … no … it's not. I want you to be the man you claim to be, and not just so you can get laid, which you probably will tonight, but because you truly care about us, and our relationship. Prove to me that you really love me, and that I'm not just some flavor of the month, and then we'll talk about spending the rest of our lives together."

I never forgot that speech. Especially the little half smile she gave at the very end as soon as she knew she had said the most perfect monologue ever.


End file.
